A Queen's Love (Inspired by Mother who called me on my sh*t.)
I don't want to be with them, but I do still love them. It is quite possible to love someone and never want/need to experience that connection again. Most importantly, I have accepted that it is absolutely OK to love them.
Love. The word is so ambiguous and can only be truly explained from experiences. Though I have not experienced all forms of love as of yet, especially the love for a living and breathing child of my own, I believe my experiences can still add to love's definition.
When I love it is unconditional, limitless, and engulfing. To the men I have been in love with...I was in love with you with my entire being. Though no longer IN love...I Love you.
The love that remains after the disappointment of a relationship is the love I speak of. It is not a romantic love. It is not “I want you” love. It is the type of love that many deny because of disappointment, guilt, shame, embarrassment, or lack of understanding its purpose.
It is my love in it's purest form.
I love the good experiences, the good memories, and the good feelings. I love when he got on both knees to ask for my hand in marriage, when he defended me, when he held me when I cried, when he was excited I was pregnant, when I was on the back of his Harley, when he pulled my hair with sexual intensity, when we played video games with my nephew, when he reminded me of my father, when he showed me his love, when he called me beautiful, when he called me amazing, when he called me intelligent, when he looked at me in awe and reverence, and when he understood me.
But oh let's not forget the feelings when you did not understand the pain of losing our baby, when you did not come home that night, when my spirit FELT the lie leaving your lips, when I caught you cheating, when we fought, when you slept with a “friend”, when you allowed your insecurities to ruin our relationship, when you tried to buy my forgiveness, when you got her pregnant and hid it, when you cried on FaceTime when I found out, when you disrespected me, when you disappeared, when EYE found out you are not strong enough to lead, and when EYE found out you don't even know you are.
I love those feelings too. I love those experiences because they matured me and shifted my reality. They broke my heart so I could put it back together because I am the only one capable of such a task. I love the pain and the heartbreak because it made me learn who I am and where I'm going. It prepared me for true happiness, self love, to not settle for just anyone, and my lifelong Love.
I love that I have the know how and the strength to tell them that I love them when they reach out. I love that I have the desire to not give into the good memories and relapse into the past for just a temporary comfort. Temporary indeed...because the love that exists is NOT identical to the past. But a love of purpose and shifting.
I love them because without those experiences I would have been with a man that does not fit into my my current reality and life's purpose. A SLEEPING GOD that is blind to his greatness and this illusory plane of existence we see as a material world.
Without the heartbreak I would not have grasped for spirituality...the inner love and knowledge of self.
To Them: I love you because you were my lover, my heartbreaker, my teacher, and most importantly my past.
I love myself so much that I can love, accept, and let go of what I felt as painful experiences with you.
That is how a Queen loves.